Involuntary Life Analysis : a cruel affliction

I have been suffering intermittent bouts of ILA since dreaming last week that God dangled me by the scruff of the neck out of a lift shaft miles up in the sky and told me to Mend My Ways. I don't think I'm necessarily a bad person - I'm just a bit crap sometimes, but crap doesn't really equate to evil (does it? does it?). But as undeserved as the divine dangling may have been, the ILA continues. It is manifesting itself in strange ways: I'm really missing Hugh (although I know it wasn't meant to be and our relationship had been unhappy for a very long time). What I would really like today is one of his hugs (the sort that I would have to stand on a chair for, or risk being totally crushed in his embrace!). So in Hugh's honour, here is "Coat" by Vicky Feaver, which goes to prove we girlies are rather conflicted beings at the best of times!

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
To throw you off
Like a heavy coat.
Sometimes I have said;
you would not let me breathe or move.
But now that I am free
To choose light clothes
Or none at all. I feel the cold
And all the time I think
How warm it used to be.