Christmas: A Survivor's Tale

We were awoken at 7.30 on Christmas morning by Claire. She had promised us tea in bed but told us she was unable to fulfill her promise because Dad was still asleep "in Bernard". Bernard is the name for the front room in Megan's house. It's not a lounge, because they already have one of those, and it's not a dining room or a snug, because they have those too. When they first moved in, Megan told me "I don't know what to call that room". I suggested Bernard, and rather worryingly, it stuck. Dad could be found wondering around on the afternoon of Christmas Day, asking "which one's Bernard?" to anyone in the vicinity. People seemed incredulous that he didn't already know.

Anyway, we opened presents with the children and then started the task of preparing a roast Turkey dinner for 13 people. Mark went up to get dressed for dinner, and came back down dressed like this:

He couldn't find his dinner jacket so borrowed some of Meg's clothes. Meg got very upset, not because it transpires that her husband of many years evidently has transvestite tendencies, but because she can no longer fit into the skirt that he was wearing.

James decided that dress standards were slipping, and decided to make up for it by dressing in white tie. Here he is with Megan, who had already been at the bubbly when this was taken:



What I learned this Christmas:

1. Never trust your parents to buy the turkey (their brains are becoming fuzzy and they mistakenly bought an anorexic sparrow believing that Meg was also serving gammon. She wasn't).

2. Always check the bath for hamsters before you turn the shower on.

3. It's always best to start drinking at breakfast time.

4. Never put a Christmas hat on Mum and Dad's new dog, Rusty. He faints.

5. Never trust your sisters to do unsupervised Christmas shopping for your sadistic boyfriend. He is now the proud owner of several spanking implements and a cut-throat razor. I'm slightly concerned.

6. Labradors love wearing Christmas hats:

7. It's not just 3 year-olds who like bed-time stories!