How Not to Train for a Marathon

1. Go out the evening before a long training run and drink beer.
2. Sleep through your alarm the next morning.
3. Wake up really late, decide to hop out of bed and go for long run on nothing but a banana for breakfast
4. Fail to rehydrate before leaving for aforementioned long run.


We nevertheless managed to run 14 miles under these adverse physical conditions. And I haven't stopped eating all day. And I ache.

And we saw Clive James as we were running on the towpath past the boathouses. He didn't look impressed with our performance.

This was, however, better than the time I ran the Frauenlauf in Berne. It was only a 5 km race, so I didn't bother doing any training at all. I went out the night before and drank vast quantities of wine, smoked many, many Marlboro Lights, had a kebab and went clubbing. Then I overslept the next morning and got dropped off at the wrong start line with a rucksack, which I didn't have time to put in a locker. How was I to know they would have official photographers along the course? The photo of me, looking rather green, weighed down by my rucksack, was a sight to behold. Ironically, I had spent most of the evening before telling everyone, in a drunken slurry voice, that not only was I fully intending to run, but that I would probably win the race as well. Well, I didn't win. Not by a long shot. But I did nearly vomit at the finish line.

When, oh when, will I learn?