Property Portfolio

Sophie is going to buy a shiny new house. And James and I are buying part of it with her (as are Mum and Dad): you know, kind of like silent partners. But I don't think James is going to be very silent in his partnership. He has already decided that he is going to keep prawns' heads in his portion of the house. The next priority will then be for James to increase his stake by gradually taking over my parents' portion too. He is proposing an Anschluss of the parental territories, the erection of a "security barrier" and the installation of wasp settlements in disputed territory for the twin purpose of discouraging Sophie habitation and establishing James's "facts on the ceiling" regarding his right of occupation. Having thus annexed parental territories and come closer to a controlling stake, his next mission is to encourage Sophie to surrender increasing portions of her own share. This will be facilitated by encouraging Sophie to develop a debilitating drug dependency, namely through the gradual introduction of large quantities of generously-provided cups of tea, necessitating in her drug-fuelled haze increasing stakes in the house being traded off in return for a nice cuppa (come to think of it, he probably won't even need to lace the tea with crack cocaine). Thus having secured the magical 51% controlling stake, Sophie will be promptly cast out into the garden to fend for herself in the cruel elements, growing increasingly dishevelled hair, raising a family of turnips and baking mud for her daily meals (whilst still remembering to maintain the ditch at the end of the garden, as stipulated on her contract). I am most pleased (allegedly) as I thought home ownership was beyond my medium-term grasp. James has proved with a little machination even the most modest of contributions can result in my entrance on to the property ladder.